Shadow of Pain

For the last couple days, I have felt generally sick and nauseous. It's a regular, if annoying, thing for me. Today, as I was headed home from work, I got stopped at the longest light along my commute. As I was waiting for the eternity is seems to take for my turn to come around, I felt a strong pain just below my ribcage, kind of near the bottom of the sternum. It was very uncomfortable, but I wasn't worried, because this is also a common occurrence for me when I feel nauseous.

As I pondered the pain, I wondered how a person who didn't understand what the pain was would react.  It hurt quite a bit, and I can see a person being alarmed.  A child might even cry. If it got stronger, an adult might cry, too. As with most pain, I can see someone being willing to do anything to stop the pain, and how hypocritical it is of someone who has never felt that pain as strongly to withhold such relief.

For those who haven't guessed it yet, I am actually talking about hunger.  For me, when I reach a certain point of hunger, I generally feel a strong pain in my stomach. Not usually any noises or rumbling, just pain.  When I feel nauseous, however, my aversion to eating disconnects the association between that pain and a desire for food.  My hunger pains tend to get strong because I am not eating as much as I normally do, and it takes a while for me to notice that the pain isn't just part of my general feeling of illness and blah. Such as it was today.

I thought about my new nephew, and how upset he is when he's hungry.  He cries and screams. What if he cries not really because he is hungry, but because he is in pain? He doesn't really understand that food is what gets rid of that pain.  All he knows is it hurts! His mother understands, of course, and his instincts to suckle save him from the pain.  Eventually, he will understand the pain is hunger.  He will understand when he feels that pain he wants food. When he starts being able to communicate, he will have more of a say in his reaction to that pain. He will be able  to indicate he wants food before he reaches the point of crying.

Then I thought about what it might be like as a baby.  I don't remember anything from when I was a baby, like most people. But I think about what a child is capable of, and the time it takes them to learn things, and imagine what it would be like to suddenly have a body.  We started as intelligences in the Pre-Existence, pass through a veil and get a new body. You have to learn to control it.  You have to learn how to process and understand all the signals and information you are getting from your senses.  You have to learn what the body is telling you.  You feel pain, but you don't know what pain is.  It overwhelms your new senses, and unable to do anything or understand this new sensation, your body takes over and you cry.

Thinking about such things really helps me get a new perspective on my life, as an almost-25-year-old.  How dextrous I am. How integrated with my body my spirit is. How far I've come in mere development, physically and mentally.

And how long that stupid light is.